Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Something I'm going to need to accept

I never realized this until Carl pointed it out. I have never said I "gave birth" or I have never referred to the act of transferring my children from the inside to the outside as "giving birth."

He's right. The most common phrase I use is "removed" as in "When they removed Sophia from me."

I'm not knocking or meaning to demoralize anyone who has had a c-section but this is how I feel.

I don't feel as if I have ever given birth despite having two children who grew inside my womb. I guess in my head birth is the process of a baby descending from the uterus into the birth canal and emerging from the vagina. When I think about the phrase "giving birth" that is what I see. I see a mother pushing and a baby crowning. What I don't see is an incision and a mother lying strapped to an operating table. Honestly if I could have my perfect world I would change my births. I would have pushed harder to prolong my labor with Sophie, I would have demanded the right to walk around. I didn't I was young and scared, I did what I was told. That eats at me every time I think of her birth.

At my first prenatal appointment they went through the questions. The most common question a doctor asks is "Why did you have a c-section." The answer I give is the one that was given to me:

Failure to progress.

Failure to progress

Failure to progress




I know it's probably irrational but almost 18 months later I haven't come to grips. I still see myself as a failure for being unable to give birth to my daughter.

As long as we're in the land of "I wish"... I wish I would have pushed for a VBAC with Samuel, I wish I wouldn't have agreed to schedule a repeat c-section date. Even though I went into labor on my own (rupturing of my water) because I was scheduled for a repeat c-section they immediately found me a spot in the OR schedule. Maybe I would have started contracting on my own had I waited another hour to call my mother. Maybe I would have been dilated just a little more if I had told them to stop and let me be. Perhaps I could have given birth to Samuel.

Because of this it is all but set in stone that this baby will be born via caesarian section. So will the children to follow.

Because of my failure I will never give birth.

You cannot understand the depth of hurting this causes me.

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